Ending The Silent Treatment
3 brilliant ways to respond when he shuts down
#1
Ask quality questions that help focus on what he may need in the moment.
Insight into his mind: He retreats because he’s uncomfortable. He may not know how to react to parts of your conversation. And whenever anyone is uncomfortable what do they do? Seek comfort!
For this reason, starting with good questions about what he needs in the moment helps to drop defenses and find comfort wherever he might need it.
Here are some great questions you can steal and use right now:
“I’ve gotten the sense that you are uncomfortable, is there anything I can do to help you feel more comfortable when we talk about this?”
“If this feels like too much to talk about right now I understand, how can I reassure you that I’m still on your team?”
“I don’t want you to feel unheard on this matter, is there anything you want to share with me that would help me understand you better?”
Ask questions that invite him to share what he’s struggling with.
His answers will help give you clues on the best way to respond. This will also build trust that you are a safe partner to get uncomfortable around and he doesn’t have to feel pressured to get his reactions perfect.
#2
Let him know how his behavior is impacting you in a way that doesn’t judge his own feelings. How do you do that? By sharing your feelings before you share your opinion.
Insight into his mind: He doesn’t know, what he doesn't know.
Assume that he loves you, and retreating has been his only way of expressing, "I’m not comfortable with this conversation” thus far. He doesn’t know how else to react; which means, he may not even know how his actions are impacting you.
But before you share, here’s a secret tip to help you be honest without causing him to feel attacked. Share how his behavior makes you feel before you share your thoughts about how he’s behaving.
Take a moment and think about how his shutting down and retreating makes you feel. Do you feel dismissed, angry, hurt…?
By letting him know how you feel (meaning your emotion) first, , it will keep him from feeling the pressure to explain his reason for not dealing with his own overwhelm.
“I feel hurt when the conversation ends this way because it’s important to me to feel heard” is very different from “ I don’t think you care about me because every time we talk about this you shut down and walk away. That’s not how you do things with me.”
One invites a discussion, the other invites an argument.
Don’t worry, you can share your thoughts on the matter, but starting with your emotions will encourage more conversation so you can continue to create a safe environment for his discomfort.
#3
Validate and leave judgement at the door.
Insight into his mind: He’s scared that you’ll try to change the way he feels, or even scarier, judge how he feels.
Solve that by letting him know that however he is feeling is okay; no matter what it is.
Emotions aren’t always logical. Even if his emotions or what he’s experiencing make no sense to you, it’s important to validate them anyway. Which means to let him know they are okay.
Being curious about where he’s coming from will help him feel closer to you because he will see that you are open to receiving him exactly as he is.
This also helps teach him a great way to interact with you because you also want your feelings to be accepted instead of questioned right? You get to model exactly what that feels like in this moment.
Misunderstandings happen when emotions aren’t allowed to be. Let the seemingly illogical have its place.
And you can still voice your opinion. You can set boundaries and let him know when something is crossing a line with you. But when you start with acceptance, compassion has so much more room to grow than if judgement leads.